Wannabe by The Spice Girls
This irritating little piece of perfiffle was dropped on an unsuspecting American public in January of '97. I hate this record as God is my witness, but that didn't stop the sumbitch from peaking at Number One on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. NUMBER ONE? Really? I know the Spice Girls were "hot" at the time, but goddamn. It's not like they were Kylie Minogue or some fuckin' body. These ladies may have been okay to look at for a minute, but as a friend of mine pointed out to me recently, "Five members, none of whom play musical instruments, and they had backup singers. Brilliant!"
Surfin' Bird (a.k.a. Bird Is The Word) by The Trashmen
I know I said I wouldn't rank these records, but if I had to pick the one track I would NOT want to be stranded on a desert island with, it would be this one. This is without a doubt the SHITTIEST lead vocal on a pop/rock record I have ever heard, and that is saying something. There is a kind of masochistic thing happening when you hear Surfin' Bird, like being tickled against your will, or being forced to watch BabaWawa on THE VIEW every damn day. (Whew! That is harsh). I think that point was not lost on Seth MacFarlane, as he utilized it to hilarious effect on an old episode of FAMILY GUY. It was released in 1963 and reached number 4 on the Billboard Hot 100 for reasons that are not at all clear to me.
Chantilly Lace by The Big Bopper
The Big Bopper's real name was J.P Richardson, and he was a popular disc jockey during the 1950s when rock & roll was in its infancy. Novelty records were a lot more common in those days, which probably accounts for this tune's very existence. As I'm sure you are well aware, Mr. Richardson met a very tragic end in a plane crash that was the subject of one of the BEST pop records ever made from another bygone era, so I cannot emphasize enough that it's not a personal thing with me. I just hate the record. It reached #6 on the pop charts that year, and was (incredulously) the third most played song of 1958.
Walking On Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves
Progressive talk-show pundit and Obama Administration apologist Stephanie Miller is currently using this record as the theme song of her show, and I hate it. The song, that is, not the show. I love Ms. Miller and her show, but I remember when this record was brand new back in 1985 when it peaked at #9 on the US pop chart. I hated every second of the damned thing then, and I still hate this MoFo, and I wish Stephanie would quit playing it as the opening to her broadcast. She used to use an old TWISTED SISTER record as her theme song, and while that record is also a piece of crap, it's not such a piece of crap that it belongs on this list. Jeez. Check out Stephanie's show here: www.stephaniemiller.com
Hal Sparks' Taste In Music
Er, this one isn't a pop record per se, I understand that, but it is sort of relevant. For those of you who may not know, Hal used to appear on a cable show called Queer As Folk, which I have not seen. He was also the guy in the elevator in SPIDER-MAN 2 who asked Spidey if his suit was uncomfortable. He presently has a guest slot on the aforementioned Stephanie Miller radio program every Wednesday. While I generally don't disagree with Hal's political takes, I have one specific problem with him concerning his taste in popular music. You see, Hal is a huge fan of Heavy Metal music, and even plays it himself. Okay, fine. But he has stated publicly that he hates The Beatles. You hate the freaking BEATLES?! Now, arguing the strengths and weaknesses of the various Heavy Metal genres and sub-genres is an undertaking for another day (me personally, I lost interest in the genre right around the time Ozzie Osbourne left the original BLACK SABBATH), but somebody check this guy into a music appreciation course, PLEASE!
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